And why welcoming it was the best decision I have ever made
My optimistic worldview has brought me far in life. I can well say that up until now, I have always conquered most of my problems with joy and have willingly looked for challenges in every possible situation.
Contemplating things and starting to see how reality really works has broken me. Not in a good way, but in a beautiful way.
While growing up, I believe the majority of us have encountered what we can collectively call an identity crisis. There is a time, one leaves school and is all of a sudden confronted with the real world. (I know, there are those of you, who think they can’t relate and strongly believe this due to a lack of today’s youth’s consciousness), but I’m willing to pretend that most of you can guess where I’m headed. One chooses their path, whether it’s to start an undergraduate program, to take a year off travelling or to dive into the world of work.
The once so familiar surrounding has changed. You find yourself in a new environment, maybe even fairly confident that you’ve made it. Friends, with whom you have shared your most memorable experiences with, don’t happen to be around anymore. But that’s okay too. There is silence, but never emptiness, given that memories are fading but never forgotten.
If you dared enough and looked for your own apartment, you run your errands and laugh about receiving your first bills. Yet no matter how much you’re sure of having settled into your new life, I’m sure you remember your first momentum of contemplation, that’s how I like to call it.
A sudden change in awareness longs for your attention: You might be on your way home, sitting on the bus, unexpectedly, for the first time in forever, catching your own reflection in the window. It’s already winter time, it gets dark in the early hours of the afternoon. You stop and start staring: “Who the f*ck is this person? Is this really me?” You just can’t but take a deep breath.
Time has been passing, it has been passing faster than anyone ever dared to acknowledge. And you find yourself thinking of this one person you really wanted to call back as soon as you got home. This was last year. The thought of your dream project, which really would have been worth putting effort into, came up.
Well, there was this pivoting point in time when you unconsciously decided it wasn’t important enough to take up your time in the future.
And all those things wouldn’t matter, if there wasn’t this immense pain in your chest. Doubt? Self-doubt. “Do I wholeheartedly follow my dreams? Am I proud of today’s achievement? Am I proud of the person I have become?”
Instinctively, you try to put these deep thoughts off and think about when it’s time to get off the bus. Although it’s different this time. In this moment you have come in touch with how things really interconnect. No matter how undoubtedly happy you have spent the last weeks, in this moment you look up and see other people contemplate.
Their minds seem to wander, fleeing this exact moment of realization. A thousand thoughts simultaneously float your mind, nevertheless, it’s as empty as it has never been before. These people know. They felt it. They have been confronted with this truth and they know that this one time, it was different.
While happiness tends to connect with easy-going occurrences, melancholy surprises with immense complexity.
“Caught up in a moment of really feeling this all-consuming melancholy.”
While some of us people instinctively try to escape this first impression of sadness, there are those of us who dare to embrace the beauty that can solely be expressed and understood through melancholy.
I told myself, I don’t want to push this away. I really want to feel into it, deep down it provides a mystical feel of contentment. I’m just in the middle of seeing how things work. And how people know they don’t always.
… and it’s a whole lot more beautiful than to be deceived by the thought of perfection.
We all feel this pain and you can actively decide to welcome it. Because if you do, you come very close to seeing the absurdity of our collective denial of being broken. We all have been, at least once …
By welcoming this state of contemplation, you will find yourself feeling very fragile. At first, it seems counter-intuitive to face things as they really are, so usually one finds ways to distract oneself.
These existential questions about your destiny will always be present and by acknowledging a collective state of not “not-knowing”, you will feel this pain in your chest to not disappear, but to lighten.
By feeling into it, you will start to sense comfort in not-knowing. Uncertainty can be frightening, but realizing how all odd workings in this world somehow still keep on functioning, relieves fear.
Lastly I want to introduce the word “catharsis” in this context and explain it by quoting the Cambridge Dictionary: “A process of releasing strong emotions through a particular activity or experience, such as writing or theatre, in a way that helps you to understand those emotions.” In this sense, I want you to get a better understanding of how there is history behind this melancholic state. In the past, humanity has already looked for ways to feel into their emotions and eventually did so by turning to arts and music. Aesthetic value will forever be pursued. Yet, there has to be differentiated between a pessimism driven sadness and pure melancholy. While the first unquestionably leads to a dead end, the latter describes a “slowing down” in beautiful sorrow.
When you start to see people around you not only as an assembly of functioning molecules but as whole human beings who have loved, who have encountered pain as you did, something changes. It changes the way you see yourself in this world. You are no different. You are no worse. Specialty finds itself in the difference of perspectives.
It is a gift to not see things as they seem to be. It takes a whole lot of courage and bravery to break and realize that perfection is an illusion. I promise you that by looking at the world as an imperfectly perfect place, you will be filled with relief. For the reason that trying, failing and then continuing to try is more beautiful than instant success.
Beauty can be found in seeing that everyone struggles in their own way.
“It’s the lost souls that lay the foundation for a better tomorrow, because those beings are not afraid to be lost, they are not afraid to fail, in the pursuit of something greater, something grander, than to just survive no different than the dogs do on the streets.” -Abhijit Naskar
